Holy shit

This place still exists.  My little stamp on the internet.

A series of footsteps, down a trail that long ago saw my refusal of its passage ever again.  By now the dirt is eroded;  the footsteps themselves nearly unrecognizable;  Events that passed are no longer remembered, much less cared for.  It used to be that this trail was kept clean and free of whatever else threatened to walk its steps;  now there is little more than a few pockmark-footprints and a layer of debris.

I had no idea this was still around.  Guess I should've known...I do have it listed, but damn.

How is everyone?  (all...well...both of you?)

The "30" Theory Part III: God, and Finality

The "30" Theory Part II: Love, and Sex

The "30" Theory: Part 1: People

I said Xanga is dead and I stand by that.  However, I will still post here, but only selections that I've also put on Facebook.

The "30" Theory is a 3 Part process.

I will not live past my 30th birthday. I don't know why, or how that is, but I've always thought that since before I can remember. Sure, I could just be paranoid, or crazy, or whatever, but I've always thought that I will die when I am 30 years old, and that if I happened to live past that, I would die at 50 of some sort of disease or "natural" cause. Dying at 30 would happen in an "untimely" fashion; as in, I've always thought that if I do indeed kick the bucket after three decades, it'll either be someone else's fault of a really stupid accident.

However, in thinking this I have also come to think about some things.

Beauty, for instance.

Beauty, or at least what we think of as "beauty", doesn't exist. It's something that has to be made into existence by each person, based on their own experiences and beliefs, and is thus completely unique to each individual.

Society, of course, has its own version of what "beautiful" is, and since most people are sheep, they follow the crowd. Who is to say that there is nothing beautiful in a pitch-black room? Who is to say the same of a room full of color and life?

Whatever it is, I believe I have discovered a few things.

Outer beauty, obviously, is what is predominantly what we think about. Especially in America, people are apt to simply see the outside of something, proving how shallow our version of beauty is. Not to say it is entirely a bad thing; outer beauty can assist in a lot of things, and if anything, can make you feel better by giving you something nice to look at, even if there is no substance underneath.

Inner beauty, however, is a much more complicated matter.

I don't think much of it is left, at least in our society, what with its near-fanatical glorification of sex. However, that is not to say that a much more visually-appealing person automatically lacks substance; there are always exceptions to the rule (Note: I'm talking about girls AND guys here).

To put it simply: People are too shallow.

Instead of being able to believe that there is such a thing as "inner beauty", we're led to believe that "inner beauty" is just a nice way of saying "you're ugly". That is very unfortunate.

Enter me.

I've certainly had some experience with the opposite sex, and I'd feel really bad if you thought I was bragging, because it was nothing worth bragging about. I found that a lot of people pretend to have substance; they know how to look "deep", and thus convince themselves that they are by telling themselves the same lies over and over again. I'm not talking about anyone specific; this is almost what should be considered "normal" simply because of the popularity of the behavior. All too often I meet someone that likes, say, Monty Python, but then knows absolutely nothing about them. Or they read a lot, and end up unable to explain what they thought about a book, because they just read through it so they could say they did it.

More often than not, I've been sorely disappointed in the people I've dated. None have really had any substance, and the few that did were so screwed up personality-wise that it really made no difference. There were a few that claimed a love of reading and writing, and being a semi-literary-type I thought "hey, that's cool!" Well guess what? None of them could explain anything about what they read. They just read because it was a popular book, or it wasn't very popular and they were trying to look "intelligent" or get in with the underground crowd. No appreciation for what they were doing, they just did it.

Others were simply brats. Spoiled children who knew how to play the game. Though admittedly, I was the same way...about 10-12 years ago, that's just...yuck. In this case, you've got the same "pretender" type person, but infused with an insatiable ego; they "like" you because you liking them back makes them feel good. They don't care for you at all; they care about you caring about them, because that's what they want: Someone to care about them.

Obviously, I've had some problems with relationships. I generally don't like them anymore, because they oftentimes show me that the person I really wanted to be with is nothing more than a fraud or an immature idiot.

Not to say that all these problems are caused by girlfriends! No! There are plenty of simple friends I've had that are far worse in a lot of respects.

More than a few friends have fit into that egotistical-brat category: These only care about you being their friend, not about you or your troubles. They'll do anything to keep you satisfied with them. While some would say that such devotion is noble, it fails right when you need it the most, and that is when YOU have a problem. When you are going through something tough, these people generally have nothing to do with you, or only offer a few dry words of consolation, because your problems don't really concern them, unless of course the problem is WITH them, in which case they'll either turn on you or try to make you happy with whatever means they can get their hands on.

Anyway, you get the point. Those types only care about themselves, and you are one more number added to their equation. One more operation to be carried out so as to gain "happiness".

Then there are the ones that care for you, but don't stand up for anything. These usually end up being the ones that won't help you not because they don't want to, but because they're afraid of what others will do in retaliation, or even simply what other people will think of it. Weak-willed, unstable friends like these are often the ones people mistake as being their "best" friends, because they can often talk to these folks when big problems arise, and they might actually get some good help...in the form of words...no actions will ever be taken except by you.

Then there are the ones that are simply your friend because they think they're your friend. Brown-nosers, egocentric rich kids, and the most insecure are oftentimes the ones in this category, and won't do a damn thing to help you out, because they don't understand that friendship is a two-way deal.

There are also the fearful people. They are so absolutely terrified of someone disliking what they do that they do nothing. They are cowards, and are hardly fit to live unless they solve their problems, in my opinion.

Finally, there is the worst one of all, and that is, of course, the traitor. This person is rare, and from what I've seen is as hard to come by as a truly "best" friend. This person will be your absolute friend, but when the proverbial "very end" approaches, this person will leave you to die. More often than not, these are the people that help you out when you need it, but won't when in the presence of another group of people that might look down on them for helping you. I've dated two people like this, and I can no longer look upon either for any of the "good" times we had, because a betrayal destroys all of that.


Overall, you've got a lot of bad, and very, very little good. In the entire span of my life, there are THREE people that I consider such great, personal friends that I would entrust anything to them, be it something as simple as a video game, or my life itself. I am constantly thankful, as I have also seen how rare such people are in the lives of others, and even how said others can completely miss these very special people.

Let me describe what a real friend is.

A friend, in my view, is a very rare thing. A person with unwavering, but not complete, devotion. They'll follow you when you need it, but if what you're doing is wrong, impractical, or just too strange, they show no fear of telling you. They care about what you think, but only to a certain degree. They don't let what you think dictate what they do, but rather see if there is any merit to it, and try to implement it as best they can. They are masters of true constructive criticism. These are the people you can get into a heated argument with, even physically fight, but immediately afterwards go to a movie with and have fun.

Three people, EVER, that I have gotten to know on a truly personal level, are like this, and one I met only a year ago.


To finish this part: I have found many definitions of "wrong". I have found few definitions of "right". I am thankful for both, as they help to make me a better, more functional person in this world, even if the world itself is hardly functional.

Currently Listening Mezmerize By System of a Down B.Y.O.B. see related

Conclusion

Xanga is most-definitely dead.  There are maybe three people I know of that still use it regularly, though of course they really never have anything meaningful to say so I've more or less left this little section of web-data alone. 

Oh well...fun while it lasted...

I have a facebook, where you can talk to me there, those few of you that still read this.

Ciao